Big Mouth Script Season 1 Episode 1.08

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Big Mouth (2017)

 episode script

season 1 - episode 8
"The Head Push"

Created by

Nick Kroll
Andrew Goldberg

Written by

Nick Kroll
Andrew Goldberg
Mark Levin
Jennifer Flackett
Emily Altman

Directed by

Bryan Francis

Big Mouth logo

S01-Ep.08: "The Head Push"

When Leah hosts a party for the high school drama crowd, Nick wrestles with a romantic dilemma, and Andrew and Missy witness a disturbing scene.

TRANSCRIPTION

1
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:12,137
[girl] Tom Cruise, Scientology is a cult.

2
00:00:12,220 --> 00:00:16,307
Then why are we so good at rehab
and have great gyms?

3
00:00:16,391 --> 00:00:17,767
It's true, they are great at rehab.

4
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:20,061
Why are they doing a Tom Cruise version
of The Crucible?

5
00:00:20,145 --> 00:00:22,105
You're glib, Goody Holmes.

6
00:00:22,188 --> 00:00:24,733
I wish I never hired you as my wife.

7
00:00:24,816 --> 00:00:27,819
Because the Church of Scientology
paid for our auditorium

8
00:00:27,902 --> 00:00:30,238
and we did 12 Angry Travoltas last year.

9
00:00:30,321 --> 00:00:34,492
♪ It's a witch hunt, a bitch hunt
A David Miscavige hunt ♪

10
00:00:34,576 --> 00:00:38,371
Fun fact: I was rejected
from Scientology, so...

11
00:00:38,455 --> 00:00:40,790
Let me ask you,
do you mind that I'm holding your hand?

12
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,041
[cheers and applause]

13
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:46,963
"I grow in jungle water
and am very smelly

14
00:00:47,046 --> 00:00:50,133
And if you touch me I hurt your belly"
What am I?

15
00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:52,302
You're the helicobacter pylori bacteria?

16
00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:54,429
- Which causes acute gastritis.
- Oh, great.

17
00:00:54,512 --> 00:00:57,682
Andrew, you're quite good
at Bacterium Delirium.

18
00:00:57,766 --> 00:01:00,518
- Well, I'm just happy to be here-ium.
- [chuckles]

19
00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:02,062
Oh.

20
00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:03,980
Aww, she's giving
your little hand a squeeze.

21
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:08,068
Ooh! I wonder if she'll fuck you
while her dad goes down on the mom.

22
00:01:08,151 --> 00:01:09,402
Oh, God, you disgust me.

23
00:01:11,988 --> 00:01:12,822
[laughs]

24
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:14,908
- Hi, I'm Leah's brother, Nick.
- Hey, dude, I'm Daniel.

25
00:01:14,991 --> 00:01:17,410
You were great as Tom Cruise,
very sympathetic.

26
00:01:17,494 --> 00:01:19,996
Thanks. You know, I believe
when he's dating those women

27
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,664
he really thinks he's dating them.

28
00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:24,667
Ah. This must be the famous Nick Birch.

29
00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:27,212
- I've seen you on Leah's Instagram.
- Oh.

30
00:01:27,295 --> 00:01:30,298
Your Halloween costume,
were you, like, a cold pig?

31
00:01:30,381 --> 00:01:32,133
Oh, no, I was a pig in a blanket.

32
00:01:32,217 --> 00:01:34,844
- Oh! I love pigs in a blanket.
- Really?

33
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,721
- Yeah, a lot.
- Okay. Mustard or ketchup?

34
00:01:36,805 --> 00:01:39,098
- Ketchup, obviously. [chuckles]
- Oh, we could've been so great.

35
00:01:39,182 --> 00:01:41,351
- That's too bad.
- Yeah, it is too bad.

36
00:01:41,434 --> 00:01:42,477
Nick, let's go.

37
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:44,562
Thanks so much for doing
the wrap party, Leah.

38
00:01:44,646 --> 00:01:45,980
- See you in a bit.
- [laughs] Okay.

39
00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:48,233
We're having a party while Mom and Dad
are out of town?

40
00:01:48,316 --> 00:01:50,985
No, I'm having a party
and you're staying at Andrew's.

41
00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:53,863
[mimics buzzer] Andrew's got a date,
so I'm staying at home

42
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:56,116
and I guess I'm going
to a high school party.

43
00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:58,243
Ooh! Are you gonna party with us, Nick?

44
00:01:58,326 --> 00:02:02,122
[chuckling and stammering]

45
00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:03,540
Oh, I fucked that up.

46
00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:05,750
- See you there, Tallulah.
- Tallulah?

47
00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:08,253
Her name is Tallulah?

48
00:02:08,336 --> 00:02:10,880
- Stop smiling.
- I'm not smiling.

49
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:11,798
- [laughs]
- [groans]

50
00:02:11,881 --> 00:02:13,883
Tallulah.

51
00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:15,385
Oh, God.

52
00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:17,595
Oh, shit, yeah, it didn't go back in.

53
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:18,638
This is bad.

54
00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:56,009
Okay, so food-wise,
did we get a cookie cake?

55
00:02:56,092 --> 00:02:57,385
What's our Dorito sitch?

56
00:02:57,468 --> 00:02:59,095
It's not that kind of party, okay?

57
00:02:59,178 --> 00:03:01,472
It's a high school party,
so try to be cool.

58
00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:04,434
Yeah, cool.
NP, no probs.

59
00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:06,102
Those are women sunglasses.

60
00:03:06,185 --> 00:03:08,771
- No, they're Dad's.
- Yeah, Dad wears women sunglasses.

61
00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:10,189
- Really? [groans]
- Obviously.

62
00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:12,233
Okay, look, these are theater kids,

63
00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:16,487
so they're sophisticated,
like that guy Daniel that you met.

64
00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:19,282
Ohh! Leah likes Daniel.

65
00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:20,867
Leah will slit your throat.

66
00:03:20,950 --> 00:03:22,785
Nice, third person threat.

67
00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:26,247
All right. I got gay-ass wine for you
and your gay ass theater friends.

68
00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:28,875
The Jack's mine.
I hope your party sucks.

69
00:03:28,958 --> 00:03:30,418
Thank you, Jud,
you're America's sweetheart.

70
00:03:30,501 --> 00:03:32,253
- You drink, Leah?
- It's not a big deal.

71
00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:36,090
- I'm 16 and it's just wine.
- Cool, I guess-- Sure, I'll have some.

72
00:03:36,174 --> 00:03:37,717
Wine, it's nature's fruit.

73
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,302
- You're nature's fruit.
- Okay.

74
00:03:39,385 --> 00:03:40,845
I'll be upstairs,
but I'm always listening.

75
00:03:40,929 --> 00:03:42,388
- You think you're having wine?
- Come on.

76
00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:43,598
No, you're not having any.

77
00:03:43,681 --> 00:03:46,976
Leah, do you want me to be the little
brother who tells on his sister?

78
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:50,396
- Is that a good look for either of us?
- Oh, fine, you can have a little.

79
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:53,399
[Jud, muffled] He's already got
a little... dick. [chuckles]

80
00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:54,734
- Really?
- I'm in the walls now.

81
00:03:54,817 --> 00:03:55,652
[doorbell rings]

82
00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:59,948
A house, a house, tis nothing but a house.

83
00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:02,575
- It is. It's just a house.
- Whoo!

84
00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:04,410
Well, look who it is.

85
00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:06,412
- Tallulah.
- Nick Birch.

86
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,831
[stammers] I don't know, it's hard to say.

87
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:10,833
Hi, I'm Andrew Glouberman

88
00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:14,796
and I'd like to make love to your daughter
while you the dad go down on the mom.

89
00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:16,673
No, see, it's not gonna work.
It's too unnatural.

90
00:04:16,756 --> 00:04:18,633
- Ohh!
- Why am I introducing myself?

91
00:04:18,716 --> 00:04:19,884
- [phone vibrating]
- Hey, Nick.

92
00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:22,845
Leah's having a high school party
and I think I might be flirting

93
00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:24,806
with a ninth grade girl.
You got to come over.

94
00:04:24,889 --> 00:04:27,684
Yeah, high school party. Let's go.

95
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:30,979
Geez, Nick, I don't know.
I mean, I'm over at Missy's

96
00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:33,982
and her mom was just about to make
some decaf yerba mate.

97
00:04:34,065 --> 00:04:35,650
Aw, fuck Missy's parents.

98
00:04:35,733 --> 00:04:37,402
We tried. We can't get a rhythm.

99
00:04:37,485 --> 00:04:39,445
- Look at me, I'm drinking wine.
- Nick.

100
00:04:39,529 --> 00:04:40,697
[groans]

101
00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:45,076
You know I can't say no to you but
we're definitely not coming. Bye, sorry.

102
00:04:45,868 --> 00:04:47,787
- Hi, who was that?
- Oh, it was Nick.

103
00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:51,082
His sister's throwing some
high school party and he invited us.

104
00:04:51,165 --> 00:04:52,500
Wow, do you want to go?

105
00:04:52,583 --> 00:04:53,960
- Deeply.
- Stop it.

106
00:04:54,043 --> 00:04:57,005
Because on NPR,
Meghna Chakrabarti

107
00:04:57,088 --> 00:05:00,008
says that couples should do
new brave things together

108
00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:03,219
and a high school party...
[chuckles] sounds pretty brave.

109
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,471
Well, I mean,
if Meg Jabroni said that...

110
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:07,473
But, well,
what do we tell your parents?

111
00:05:07,557 --> 00:05:08,933
We're going to see a movie.

112
00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:11,394
- Oh, well, great, which one?
- Uh...

113
00:05:11,477 --> 00:05:13,730
- Carpet Ceiling.
- Really?

114
00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:16,816
Oh, yeah, it's an Iranian film
about a physicist

115
00:05:16,899 --> 00:05:20,486
who is forced to work in a tea service
after the fall of the Shah.

116
00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:23,281
- Is that a real movie?
- No, she's lying.

117
00:05:23,364 --> 00:05:25,325
And she's surprisingly good at it.

118
00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:28,202
Ooh, she's a little liar.
I like that in a lady.

119
00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:30,204
I also like when they cook dinner.

120
00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:33,791
Party Wolf is in the house.

121
00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:35,501
[howling]

122
00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:37,295
- Party Wolf.
- Hey, Jay, who--

123
00:05:37,378 --> 00:05:38,963
How did you know there was a party?

124
00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:41,215
I have a camera in your kitchen. [howls]

125
00:05:41,299 --> 00:05:42,717
- Wolf cam.
- Hold on, what?

126
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:43,801
Oh, no, it's not weird.

127
00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:47,388
See, my mom doesn't cook,
so I watch your mom cook.

128
00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,015
It's just different at my house.

129
00:05:49,098 --> 00:05:52,268
Boys, feeding time.

130
00:05:52,351 --> 00:05:55,188
[snarling and munching]

131
00:05:55,271 --> 00:05:56,147
[sighs]

132
00:05:56,230 --> 00:05:59,776
♪ And I think this sauce
needs a little more basil ♪

133
00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:01,944
That's why I like watching the Diane Show.

134
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:05,364
You can tell she cooks
with love or whatever.

135
00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:07,784
Who cares? Not me.
Fuck you.

136
00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:09,911
How many cameras do you have
in my house, Jay?

137
00:06:09,994 --> 00:06:12,205
Check it out, I brought booze. [laughs]

138
00:06:12,288 --> 00:06:14,040
Cotton candy brandy?

139
00:06:14,123 --> 00:06:16,417
Yeah, my dad defended the guy
who created it.

140
00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:20,004
The first booze made for kids by kids.
FKBK!

141
00:06:20,088 --> 00:06:24,008
So, let me get this straight, your dad
represented a child liquor distributor.

142
00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:27,428
And the only reason he lost the case
was he called the judge a fat bitch.

143
00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:29,597
Well, Jay, you come
from an upsetting home.

144
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,808
- A toast.
- A to-- I don't know.

145
00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:34,227
To Party Wolf. [howls]
Drink.

146
00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:36,062
[groans] Oh, my nose and eyes.

147
00:06:36,145 --> 00:06:38,564
Yeah, your eyesight's gonna come back
in, like, 30 seconds.

148
00:06:38,648 --> 00:06:40,733
- Oh, my stomach hurts.
- It's strong, right?

149
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:42,735
But sweet as berry pie.

150
00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:44,070
- [message chime]
- Oh, Jessi.

151
00:06:45,988 --> 00:06:48,241
Did you make the arrangements
for the bat mitzvah band

152
00:06:48,324 --> 00:06:50,243
or did you get stoned
and forget your one responsibility?

153
00:06:50,326 --> 00:06:53,496
Hey, Mom, Dad, I'm gonna go
hang out at Nick's, okay?

154
00:06:53,579 --> 00:06:55,289
Oh, sure, honey. Not too late.

155
00:06:55,373 --> 00:06:56,582
Have a good one, Jellybean.

156
00:06:56,666 --> 00:07:00,253
For your information, I'm contacting
Trusted Root tonight.

157
00:07:00,336 --> 00:07:03,673
No one wants a Rusted Root cover band
at a bat mitzvah.

158
00:07:03,756 --> 00:07:06,342
♪ The cotton candy brandy
I'm feeling so fine ♪

159
00:07:06,425 --> 00:07:09,053
♪ I got a cotton candy brandy
Hey, it's yum-yum time ♪

160
00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:10,930
Wow. Dope rhymes.

161
00:07:11,013 --> 00:07:12,807
Oh, good, you were--

162
00:07:12,890 --> 00:07:14,767
- You're listening to me rap to myself.
- [chuckles]

163
00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:17,270
- I'm, uh... I'm stupid.
- [laughs]

164
00:07:17,353 --> 00:07:20,148
I mean, I am, I'm stupid.
I'm a dumb, dumb person.

165
00:07:20,231 --> 00:07:22,817
If you stupid, I'm a idiot.

166
00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:24,527
You're both retarded.

167
00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:25,903
That's my brother Jud.

168
00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:28,197
You'll likely see his manifesto
in the news someday.

169
00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:29,740
- Wow.
- Right?

170
00:07:29,824 --> 00:07:32,785
Oh, you are hilarious, Nick Birch.

171
00:07:32,869 --> 00:07:34,871
- Ooh!
- What?

172
00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:37,290
- Nick's got a girlfriend.
- Nick's got a girlfriend. [chuckles]

173
00:07:37,373 --> 00:07:39,292
What the-- I must be drunk.

174
00:07:39,375 --> 00:07:41,169
- Drunk on love.
- Ooh-la-la!

175
00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:44,005
- For Tallulah.
- I'm jealous, Nicky.

176
00:07:44,088 --> 00:07:47,133
Eww! You're jealous of a girl
I want to make out with?

177
00:07:47,216 --> 00:07:48,801
I'm jealous of her too.

178
00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:51,637
Who wants that red-hot
cotton candy brandy?

179
00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:53,431
[howls] Party Wolf.

180
00:07:53,514 --> 00:07:54,765
[barking]

181
00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:55,933
Meow.

182
00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:57,393
- You ready?
- [soft blowing]

183
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,769
[laughing]

184
00:07:58,853 --> 00:07:59,687
You.

185
00:07:59,770 --> 00:08:02,523
I have kissed a girl and I liked it.

186
00:08:03,357 --> 00:08:05,067
- You are insane.
- [groans]

187
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:08,821
I can't believe I'm in the seventh grade
and already over high school.

188
00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:10,740
- These fucking people.
- [doorbell rings]

189
00:08:10,823 --> 00:08:12,700
Jessi. [chuckles]

190
00:08:12,783 --> 00:08:14,243
What a sexy coincidence.

191
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,954
Not now, Jay, I'm having
a shitty night, okay?

192
00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:21,459
Perchance I can offer you an elixir
to ease your troubles, Party Wolf?

193
00:08:21,542 --> 00:08:25,421
"Cotton candy brandy, made for kids
by kids, please help."

194
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,548
Christ, where did this come from?

195
00:08:27,632 --> 00:08:29,967
- Bangkok. A children's prison, actually.
- Ugh!

196
00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:31,344
- What?
- You're the worst.

197
00:08:31,427 --> 00:08:33,596
It's not like they make it anymore, Jessi.

198
00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:35,681
The jail burned down.

199
00:08:36,265 --> 00:08:38,684
[Jud] Psst! Retarded faggot, up here.

200
00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:40,061
Leave me alone.

201
00:08:40,144 --> 00:08:43,231
Please, retarded faggot, I'm serious.
I want to tell you something serious.

202
00:08:43,314 --> 00:08:45,566
- What?
- I saw you talking to The Machine.

203
00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:47,276
- Have fun. [laughs]
- What?

204
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,029
- Tallulah Levine, the blowjob machine.
- Come again?

205
00:08:50,112 --> 00:08:52,907
Dude, she loves giving blowjobs.

206
00:08:52,990 --> 00:08:55,326
- I'm proud of you.
- Oh, I thought you hated me.

207
00:08:55,409 --> 00:08:57,078
I don't hate you.
You're my brother.

208
00:08:57,161 --> 00:09:00,122
I just want the world to burn and for you
to get your little dinger wet.

209
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:01,249
Hold on, wait.

210
00:09:01,332 --> 00:09:03,543
[Elliot] To Nicky
and his first oral adventure.

211
00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:06,128
Whether he's ready or not,
that girl is lucky

212
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:09,340
to have his cute little baby dinger
in her mouth.

213
00:09:09,423 --> 00:09:12,385
- Mm-hmm. Or wherever it ends up.
- Okay, that's enough.

214
00:09:12,468 --> 00:09:14,136
And it's not that little.

215
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:15,930
- Oh, is it?
- [doorbell rings]

216
00:09:17,431 --> 00:09:20,351
Andrew.
Thank God, I need to talk to you.

217
00:09:20,434 --> 00:09:22,103
- Nick, are you drunk?
- Psst!

218
00:09:22,186 --> 00:09:23,646
You see that girl over there?

219
00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:26,399
She's a ninth grade blowjob machine.

220
00:09:26,482 --> 00:09:29,151
- What are you guys talking about?
- Oh, Missy's here.

221
00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:30,486
- Hi, Nick.
- Terrific.

222
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,947
Uh, don't worry about me,
I'm gonna go mingle now.

223
00:09:33,030 --> 00:09:34,490
Okay. Guy talk talk.

224
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,826
I have some concerns about my dinger.

225
00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:38,828
- The, you know, area...
- Okay, yeah, Nick.

226
00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:40,705
- ...where my dick is.
- I get it, I get it.

227
00:09:40,788 --> 00:09:43,457
But I really shouldn't leave Missy alone
at this party.

228
00:09:43,541 --> 00:09:45,585
I mean, she's talking to a pineapple.

229
00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:47,920
So, how'd you get your hair to do that?
[chuckles]

230
00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:52,383
Hmm. Well, no, no, no, no.

231
00:09:52,466 --> 00:09:56,220
- [jazz music playing]
- Duke. Duke, I--

232
00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:58,014
Nickelback. [laughs]

233
00:09:58,097 --> 00:10:02,351
Saw that party downstairs and figured
old Duke should have one of his own.

234
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:05,646
- I see that.
- Nick Birch, this is Picasso.

235
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:07,356
Whitney Houston, what's up baby?

236
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:11,193
And over there Prince
and Liz Taylor and Richard Burton.

237
00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:13,863
They were married, it's a fucking mess.
[chuckles]

238
00:10:13,946 --> 00:10:15,990
Oh, Prince, I'm so sad that you died.

239
00:10:16,073 --> 00:10:18,284
- Hey, what about us?
- We're all dead here.

240
00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:19,660
♪ All dead
Oh! ♪

241
00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:20,995
- Be gone.
- Beat it, kid.

242
00:10:21,078 --> 00:10:22,288
All right, fine, I'll leave.

243
00:10:22,371 --> 00:10:24,874
It's just there's this girl
that gives blowjobs.

244
00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:26,667
- Actually, stay for a sec.
- ♪ Yeah ♪

245
00:10:26,751 --> 00:10:29,795
- Tell Prince your problems.
- Her name is Tallulah Levine

246
00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:32,340
and they say she's a blowjob machine.

247
00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:35,468
- And when she goes down...
- All the boys in the town...

248
00:10:35,551 --> 00:10:37,845
- Give her a mouthful of cream.
- [laughing]

249
00:10:37,928 --> 00:10:40,514
All right.
Calm down, you swine.

250
00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:42,433
What's the problem, dear?

251
00:10:42,516 --> 00:10:44,435
Miss Taylor, I'm not gonna lie.

252
00:10:44,518 --> 00:10:47,605
My dick is maybe
not everything it could be.

253
00:10:47,688 --> 00:10:49,482
Well, it's not the size of the wave,

254
00:10:49,565 --> 00:10:52,860
it's the grace of your base
and the spasm in her chasm.

255
00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:58,282
Y también, my dick is a triangle.
It is over here.

256
00:10:58,366 --> 00:11:02,912
This is why I invented Cubism, so
I could be like, "Ooh, shapes are cool."

257
00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:05,206
Whip it out, darling.
Let's have a look.

258
00:11:05,289 --> 00:11:07,291
Show us that dick of yours, Nick.

259
00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:08,626
♪ Let us see your dick ♪

260
00:11:08,709 --> 00:11:11,128
Hold on, is this appropriate?

261
00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:13,255
Of course, we're ghosts.

262
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:15,383
♪ Let us see your dick, oh! ♪

263
00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:19,428
Well, if the incomparable
Ms. Whitney Houston

264
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,055
wants to see my penis...

265
00:11:23,391 --> 00:11:25,101
¿Dónde está el pipi?

266
00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:27,311
Did you shave?
Is that ornamental?

267
00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:29,688
The boy just hasn't hit puberty yet.

268
00:11:29,772 --> 00:11:33,109
It's like a gold button
on a prep school blazer.

269
00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:35,861
Do you think it's too small
for Tallulah Levine?

270
00:11:35,945 --> 00:11:38,989
Does she have a gap between
her two front teeth? [laughs]

271
00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:41,534
Because then it might work out fine.

272
00:11:42,701 --> 00:11:45,371
Okay. Ha ha. Well, you're all dead.

273
00:11:45,454 --> 00:11:47,164
And you got a little dick.

274
00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:51,627
♪ Your dick looks like a baby's nose ♪

275
00:11:51,710 --> 00:11:54,547
Uh, this is Jud's room.
Keep your distance from that. Oh!

276
00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:56,006
Wowzy-wow!

277
00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:58,634
Posters of Paris and Hamilton?

278
00:11:58,717 --> 00:12:00,469
- Whose room is this?
- Oh, this?

279
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:01,720
[sniffs]

280
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:03,848
Yeah, this is Leah's room.

281
00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:06,600
This is definitely the room
where it happens.

282
00:12:06,684 --> 00:12:08,519
I bet she has a really nice closet.

283
00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:10,229
Yeah, I don't-- I don't know,

284
00:12:10,312 --> 00:12:12,022
I don't know what her clothes smell like.

285
00:12:12,106 --> 00:12:13,274
I do. [chuckles]

286
00:12:13,357 --> 00:12:16,402
Oh, Andrew, have you ever heard
of this, uh, this game

287
00:12:16,485 --> 00:12:18,195
called Seven Minutes In Heaven?

288
00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:19,530
- [alarm blares]
- Holy shit, it's happening.

289
00:12:19,613 --> 00:12:21,699
It's go time, this is not a drill.

290
00:12:21,782 --> 00:12:23,534
Uh, Missy's being quite forward.

291
00:12:23,617 --> 00:12:25,119
- What's gotten into her?
- [chuckling]

292
00:12:25,202 --> 00:12:30,875
This boy's a tall lumpy, dumpy
drink of water and we are thirsty.

293
00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:32,543
Well, my mouth is dry.

294
00:12:32,626 --> 00:12:34,670
It's probably from the nerves.

295
00:12:34,753 --> 00:12:38,549
Hush, puppy. Less talk, more closet.

296
00:12:42,386 --> 00:12:45,431
Well, look who it is. Nick Birch.

297
00:12:45,514 --> 00:12:48,726
Well, look who it is to you,
Tallulah Levine.

298
00:12:48,809 --> 00:12:51,228
[laughs] Oh, using my full name, are you?

299
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:53,939
Oh, I am indeed
'cause I am flirting with you.

300
00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:56,650
- Are you really?
- I are. Oh...

301
00:12:59,028 --> 00:13:02,239
So, okay. I-- I think
you're so cool and so pretty

302
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:05,117
but I-- I just can't do that thing
that you want to do.

303
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:08,454
- What thing?
- You know, your-- your passion?

304
00:13:08,537 --> 00:13:11,081
My passion?
What are you talking about?

305
00:13:11,165 --> 00:13:13,584
Tallulah, I can't let you
give me a blowjob.

306
00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:15,294
- I'm so sorry.
- What?

307
00:13:15,377 --> 00:13:17,880
What makes you think
I want to give you a blowjob?

308
00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:19,048
Your nickname.

309
00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:20,674
Oh, go fuck yourself.

310
00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:23,761
[scoffs] I hook up with a guy once
and he tells his friends

311
00:13:23,844 --> 00:13:26,430
I gave him a blowjob,
which by the way, I didn't.

312
00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:28,682
And all of a sudden, I'm The Machine?

313
00:13:28,766 --> 00:13:30,226
Oh, man, I'm sorry.

314
00:13:30,309 --> 00:13:34,271
That's all I wanted, just to make out.
I'm stupid, remember?

315
00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:36,774
Yeah. Nick, you are stupid.

316
00:13:39,735 --> 00:13:41,654
[Jud] Well, you really fucked that up.

317
00:13:41,737 --> 00:13:44,698
- Shut up, you're a picture.
- No, I'm not, I'm in the wall.

318
00:13:44,782 --> 00:13:45,908
See?

319
00:13:45,991 --> 00:13:47,868
Okay. Seven minutes.

320
00:13:47,952 --> 00:13:50,538
- Hey, are you setting a timer?
- Starting now.

321
00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:51,956
- Maury.
- Connie.

322
00:13:52,039 --> 00:13:53,374
A word?

323
00:13:53,457 --> 00:13:54,875
So what are we talking about here?

324
00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:56,961
Kiss with tongue, under the shirt,
over the bra?

325
00:13:57,044 --> 00:13:58,879
What does your client know how to do?

326
00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:01,882
Oh, my client, he knows...
he knows nothing.

327
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:06,720
It should be noted that my client
also has no idea what she's doing.

328
00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:09,139
So I don't...
I don't know what I'm doing.

329
00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:11,183
Me neither.

330
00:14:19,608 --> 00:14:20,442
[clink]

331
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:22,778
Well done. Another first kiss
in the books.

332
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,072
Mmm. Nothing like a first kiss.

333
00:14:25,155 --> 00:14:27,908
- Do you remember ours?
- Oh, don't, Maury.

334
00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:32,121
It was Pangaea, the dinosaurs
had just flown away in their spaceship.

335
00:14:32,204 --> 00:14:34,290
We had the whole planet to ourselves,
didn't we?

336
00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:38,669
Although, if memory serves, we did
make a few woolly mammoths blush.

337
00:14:38,752 --> 00:14:40,004
[chuckling]

338
00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:43,883
- It's good to see you, Connie.
- It's good to smell you.

339
00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:46,552
[growling and snarling]

340
00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:51,515
- [Missy] Mmm...
- Oh, sweet Jesus.

341
00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:53,434
- Whoa, okay.
- What?

342
00:14:53,517 --> 00:14:54,351
Hi.

343
00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:57,104
What happened?
Why'd your damn client pull away?

344
00:14:57,187 --> 00:14:59,106
The kid was gonna paint
the inside of his pants.

345
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:01,567
- I'm sorry. I-- I didn't mean to--
- No, no, I'm sorry.

346
00:15:01,650 --> 00:15:04,570
I shouldn't have pushed my mons pubis
right up against you.

347
00:15:04,653 --> 00:15:06,989
- Your mom's what?
- It's the region right above my--

348
00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:08,282
Uh, well, darn it, forget it.

349
00:15:08,365 --> 00:15:10,576
You push too hard,
you got no boundaries.

350
00:15:10,659 --> 00:15:13,412
That's right, Maury, I can't be tamed.

351
00:15:13,495 --> 00:15:14,747
I never wanted to tame you.

352
00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:18,292
I just wanted to keep a toothbrush
and a few spare dicks at your apartment.

353
00:15:18,375 --> 00:15:19,627
Oh, Connie.

354
00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:22,046
I think maybe we should
go back to the party.

355
00:15:22,129 --> 00:15:23,964
Well, we have two minutes left.

356
00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:26,008
We could accomplish quite a lot
in that time.

357
00:15:26,091 --> 00:15:27,384
- [door opens]
- [gasps] Shh!

358
00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:30,137
- [muttering, indistinct]
- Yeah, okay.

359
00:15:31,388 --> 00:15:33,098
[whispers] Whoa, that's Leah.

360
00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:35,267
- And who's that guy?
- I don't know.

361
00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:37,394
The only person I met was that pineapple.

362
00:15:38,646 --> 00:15:40,940
Nicky, don't you think
you've had enough to drink?

363
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:42,650
Lay off, Diane.

364
00:15:42,733 --> 00:15:45,444
- Who are you talking to?
- Who are you talking to?

365
00:15:45,527 --> 00:15:48,614
- Uh, are you drunk right now?
- Come here, I'll tell you.

366
00:15:48,697 --> 00:15:50,282
- I'm here.
- None of your fucking business.

367
00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:51,325
- [groans]
- [laughs]

368
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:52,618
What's up, chicken butt?

369
00:15:52,701 --> 00:15:56,038
Nothing, just, you know, my parents
are officially the worst.

370
00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:59,124
Oh, here's a cool tidbit, my dad
smokes weed all the time.

371
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:00,918
Well, your mom's not perfect either.

372
00:16:01,001 --> 00:16:02,044
What?

373
00:16:02,127 --> 00:16:04,254
- Nothing.
- That's a very weird thing to say.

374
00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:05,881
Ye-- yeah, you're right.

375
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:08,926
I mean, don't even listen to me.
I don't even know what I'm talking about.

376
00:16:09,009 --> 00:16:11,178
- No, why did you say that?
- Why did I say what?

377
00:16:11,261 --> 00:16:13,389
- Tell me. Tell me, Nick.
- [sighs]

378
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:16,600
When Andrew and I were in the city,
we saw this hat

379
00:16:16,684 --> 00:16:20,437
and then it kissed your mom,
and then the hat was a woman.

380
00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:23,107
- What?
- I couldn't be clearer, Jessi.

381
00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:26,151
Your mom kissed a woman
and the woman wasn't your dad.

382
00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:27,861
Are you serious?

383
00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:30,906
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jessi.

384
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:34,034
Wait a minute, you guys went
to the city, like, two weeks ago.

385
00:16:34,118 --> 00:16:36,829
- Who's keeping calendar?
- I am keeping calendar.

386
00:16:36,912 --> 00:16:40,457
You never told me you saw my mom
cheating on my dad.

387
00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:42,668
- You suck.
- [groans] I'm sorry, Jessi.

388
00:16:42,751 --> 00:16:44,461
You are a bad friend.

389
00:16:44,545 --> 00:16:47,256
Oh, fuck. Me and my big mouth.

390
00:16:47,339 --> 00:16:48,382
[burps]

391
00:16:48,465 --> 00:16:51,760
Big Mouth, that's the show,
that's the show.

392
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:54,972
Hey you, and you at home
on the elliptical watching this,

393
00:16:55,055 --> 00:16:56,890
I see you.

394
00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:58,684
Don't you say a fucking word.

395
00:16:58,767 --> 00:16:59,810
[laughing]

396
00:17:01,645 --> 00:17:03,063
We should get out of here.

397
00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:05,482
If we walk out now,
it'll look totally weird.

398
00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:07,276
Well, let's just not watch.

399
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:09,111
Okay. Not watching.

400
00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:12,364
[moaning]
401
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:13,782
- What's he doing?
- Ooh.

402
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:17,286
Mm-mmm. Oh, no, no, no, no.
Let's just-- just keep doing this.

403
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:21,457
Mmm-- mm-mmm. Uh...

404
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:23,000
- Hey, he's doing it again.
- Don't be afraid.

405
00:17:23,083 --> 00:17:25,753
- Mm-mmm. Oh, Daniel. Daniel, stop.
- What?

406
00:17:25,836 --> 00:17:28,255
I think I made it clear
I didn't want to do that.

407
00:17:28,338 --> 00:17:30,758
God, you're really tangled
and not sexually, huh?

408
00:17:30,841 --> 00:17:33,135
- Excuse me?
- Why are you being so weird?

409
00:17:33,218 --> 00:17:35,095
- Wow. You know what?
- Come on, what's your problem?

410
00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:37,097
This is my room but I'm out of here.

411
00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:39,767
- I have blue balls. That's assault.
- [Leah groans]

412
00:17:39,850 --> 00:17:42,186
- That was...
- Awful.

413
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:45,314
[gulps] Ooh!

414
00:17:45,397 --> 00:17:47,149
Hot daddy. [coughs]

415
00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:48,942
That is sweet stuff.

416
00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:50,486
- Hit me again.
- Are you sure?

417
00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:52,362
Yeah. What's the point of any of this?

418
00:17:52,446 --> 00:17:55,908
- It's all bullshit anyway.
- Yeah. It is bullshit.

419
00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:58,744
My family sucks.

420
00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:00,621
My family sucks, too.

421
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,919
Party Wolf.

422
00:18:07,002 --> 00:18:08,670
Yeah.

423
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:13,092
The hormones in this house
are going bananas cream pudding.

424
00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:15,594
Maury. Maury!

425
00:18:15,677 --> 00:18:18,055
I changed my mind.

426
00:18:18,138 --> 00:18:21,850
Oh, my God. What happened up there,
that was so messed up.

427
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:24,436
I know. I'm sorry. I crossed a line.

428
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:25,813
What? No, not you.

429
00:18:25,896 --> 00:18:29,191
That guy, trying to get Leah
to su--su-- do something.

430
00:18:29,274 --> 00:18:31,360
We're all a little out of control tonight.

431
00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:34,780
Hey, Maury.
You can keep your dicks at my apartment.

432
00:18:34,863 --> 00:18:37,282
I'll give you your own dick drawer.

433
00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:39,535
Ow! Fuck you, coffee table.

434
00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:41,370
[kissing and moaning]

435
00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:44,289
Wow. You taste so much better
than my bath mat.

436
00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:45,791
[groans] I think I'm gonna be sick.

437
00:18:45,874 --> 00:18:48,085
And I don't get any toenail clippings
after we--

438
00:18:48,168 --> 00:18:49,419
[retching]

439
00:18:49,503 --> 00:18:51,004
Oh, my God.

440
00:18:51,088 --> 00:18:53,423
- I'm so sorry.
- Meh, no biggie.

441
00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:56,051
Oh, what's this?
There's more? Wow!

442
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,636
- Oh, my goodness.
- [chuckles]

443
00:18:57,719 --> 00:19:00,681
You always just have a string of scarves
hidden in your clothes?

444
00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:02,975
Yeah, you never know when someone's
gonna barf brandy on you.

445
00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:04,977
Thank you for being so cool about this.

446
00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:08,021
Are you kidding?
I'm just so jazzed you tongued me.

447
00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:10,149
This was a one-time thing, okay?

448
00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:12,317
- Oh, Jessi, I promise.
- Never to be discussed again.

449
00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:15,195
- I'm only gonna tell my brothers.
- Never discussed again.

450
00:19:15,279 --> 00:19:17,197
Yeah, okay, got it! Nobody.

451
00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:19,032
[howls]

452
00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:21,326
Party Wolf got Frenched.

453
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:22,327
[sipping]

454
00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:24,079
Hey, there you are.

455
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:26,498
- Are you drinking coffee?
- Sort of.

456
00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:30,419
I didn't know how to make it, so I just
stirred up coffee grounds into warm water.

457
00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:32,713
It's actually-- it's not bad.

458
00:19:32,796 --> 00:19:34,131
Nick, listen.

459
00:19:34,214 --> 00:19:38,135
Your sister was upstairs
with some guy in a beanie hat.

460
00:19:38,218 --> 00:19:40,804
Oh, that's Daniel.
Leah likes him.

461
00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:42,973
- Not anymore.
- Yeah. Never again.

462
00:19:43,056 --> 00:19:44,349
He was really aggressive.

463
00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:47,227
He tried to force her to do something
she did not want to do.

464
00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:49,730
You guys are crazy.
Daniel's the man.

465
00:19:49,813 --> 00:19:52,024
Friends, Romans, tech people,

466
00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:56,028
lend me your best impressions
for a game of celebrity.

467
00:19:56,111 --> 00:19:59,531
See, there's nothing cooler
than a person who's always on.

468
00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:02,951
- Janet Jackson.
- Madonna.

469
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,286
- Barack Obama.
- Beyoncé.

470
00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:08,040
- [girl] Beyoncé!
- Nick, love Queen Bey.

471
00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:09,958
Who run the world?
Girls.

472
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:11,627
- Yeah. All right.
- [chuckles]

473
00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:13,378
Hey. My turn.

474
00:20:13,462 --> 00:20:16,757
[chuckles] All right.
Our fabulous hostess, come on down.

475
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:19,343
Thank you, Daniel.
[sighs]

476
00:20:19,426 --> 00:20:21,637
- Okay.
- [boy] Ooh, ooh!

477
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,805
- You're making out with somebody.
- Kissing someone.

478
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,557
Ooh, ooh! Barack Obama.

479
00:20:25,641 --> 00:20:27,726
[boy] And you're pushing someone's...

480
00:20:27,809 --> 00:20:29,853
- Coach Steve eating a sandwich.
- [Missy] You're praying?

481
00:20:29,937 --> 00:20:31,480
You're praying to Mecca,
you're a Muslim.

482
00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:33,899
- Barack Hussein Obama.
- [girl] Someone kissing another person.

483
00:20:33,982 --> 00:20:36,610
- [Jay] Is it Party Wolf?
- Daniel, you're doing Daniel.

484
00:20:36,693 --> 00:20:37,903
Wait, what? That's not me.

485
00:20:37,986 --> 00:20:40,072
Actually, that is so you.

486
00:20:40,155 --> 00:20:41,323
How is that Daniel?

487
00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:43,951
- He's a head pusher.
- He's a head pusher.

488
00:20:44,034 --> 00:20:45,744
- He did a head push.
- Head push?

489
00:20:45,827 --> 00:20:47,913
[Seinfeld theme plays]

490
00:20:47,996 --> 00:20:49,665
What is a head push?

491
00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:54,962
It's when a man pushes a woman's head
to try to get a blowjob.

492
00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:56,463
Wait, that's a move?

493
00:20:56,546 --> 00:20:59,258
Not a fan of the head push.

494
00:20:59,341 --> 00:21:01,885
All my life I've been waiting for them
to go down there.

495
00:21:01,969 --> 00:21:03,762
- I didn't know you could do a push.
- You can't push.

496
00:21:03,845 --> 00:21:06,181
No push. I'm not pushing, baby.

497
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,766
[applause track]

498
00:21:07,849 --> 00:21:10,185
Nick, I need to borrow your car.

499
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:11,353
Okay, hold on.

500
00:21:11,436 --> 00:21:13,563
You're making it sound like
I assaulted you or something.

501
00:21:13,647 --> 00:21:15,941
- You tried to push my head down.
- I made a suggestion.

502
00:21:16,024 --> 00:21:18,527
Oh, yeah, and when I didn't take
your suggestion,

503
00:21:18,610 --> 00:21:19,903
- you did it again.
- Come on.

504
00:21:19,987 --> 00:21:23,407
I wish women were more sex positive,
but we're just not there yet.

505
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:25,784
- What?
- Guys have to take the lead.

506
00:21:25,867 --> 00:21:28,412
I mean, come on. How else are guys
supposed to get blowjobs?

507
00:21:28,495 --> 00:21:30,789
You lean your head back,
arch your crotch in the air

508
00:21:30,872 --> 00:21:34,376
and say, "Dinner is served."

509
00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:36,253
Well, crazy idea.

510
00:21:36,336 --> 00:21:38,880
You could wait for a girl
to want to go down on you.

511
00:21:38,964 --> 00:21:41,591
Come on, that's not happening.
Am I right? Party Wolf?

512
00:21:41,675 --> 00:21:43,218
Or how about asking?

513
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:44,386
Oh, good Lord, no.

514
00:21:44,469 --> 00:21:46,305
That sounds like the most
embarrassing conversation ever.

515
00:21:46,388 --> 00:21:48,724
- Well then, you don't get a blowjob.
- Okay, yeah.

516
00:21:48,807 --> 00:21:51,393
As long as no one has
to talk about it, I'm fine with that.

517
00:21:51,476 --> 00:21:55,063
Or you could go down on her.
Pleasure begets pleasure.

518
00:21:56,565 --> 00:21:58,942
Just don't pressure people.
It's not cool.

519
00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:02,029
Fine, I confess.
I assaulted Andrew in the closet.

520
00:22:02,112 --> 00:22:04,406
- I'm a mons pusher.
- Mons pusher?

521
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:05,991
- Mons?
- A mons?

522
00:22:06,074 --> 00:22:08,327
[Seinfeld theme plays]

523
00:22:08,410 --> 00:22:11,663
Tell me something.
What exactly is a mons?

524
00:22:11,747 --> 00:22:13,248
The mons pubis? Oh.

525
00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:17,377
It's the, uh, the welcome mat
to the pleasure palace.

526
00:22:17,461 --> 00:22:19,546
I mean, let's be honest,
who doesn't love the mons?

527
00:22:19,629 --> 00:22:21,340
Very big on the mons, baby.

528
00:22:21,423 --> 00:22:22,632
[applause track]

529
00:22:22,716 --> 00:22:26,178
- Well, your car is full of bees.
- [laugh track plays]

530
00:22:27,387 --> 00:22:29,723
I hope the irony of this
isn't lost on all of you.

531
00:22:29,806 --> 00:22:31,641
What the fuck are you talking about?

532
00:22:31,725 --> 00:22:32,893
[laughs]

533
00:22:32,976 --> 00:22:35,645
This is a witch hunt,
just like The Cruise-ible.

534
00:22:35,729 --> 00:22:38,190
All I wanted was a blowjob
at a high school party.

535
00:22:38,273 --> 00:22:39,316
Is that such a crime?

536
00:22:39,399 --> 00:22:42,402
Hey, only I get to quote
my dad's law commercials.

537
00:22:42,486 --> 00:22:45,238
Look, nobody cherishes women
more than I do.

538
00:22:45,322 --> 00:22:47,365
Oh, yeah. You cherish them so much

539
00:22:47,449 --> 00:22:50,786
that when a girl doesn't give you
a blowjob, you tell everyone she did.

540
00:22:50,869 --> 00:22:53,371
Daniel, you've been
a busy little asshole, huh?

541
00:22:53,455 --> 00:22:54,831
Hold on, he's the one?

542
00:22:54,915 --> 00:22:59,252
Well, this was a real teachable moment
and now it's become something so ugly.

543
00:22:59,336 --> 00:23:01,004
If you're looking
for something to blame here,

544
00:23:01,088 --> 00:23:03,799
and I'm backing out of the room,
it's party culture.

545
00:23:03,882 --> 00:23:06,551
Okay, you're officially the worst person.

546
00:23:06,635 --> 00:23:09,638
You're slut shaming me.
Shame on you.

547
00:23:09,721 --> 00:23:10,722
Wait, Daniel.

548
00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:13,266
Finally. Someone who gets it.
Preach, big man.

549
00:23:13,350 --> 00:23:15,310
Oh, I'm not big. I'm very little,

550
00:23:15,393 --> 00:23:20,565
and I've been drinking cotton candy brandy
and I think coffee grounds all night long,

551
00:23:20,649 --> 00:23:23,026
and I just want you to know, Daniel...

552
00:23:23,110 --> 00:23:25,028
[retching]

553
00:23:26,404 --> 00:23:28,406
[coughs, retches]

554
00:23:30,826 --> 00:23:32,119
[coughs]

555
00:23:32,202 --> 00:23:34,371
Uh, Leah, would you give
Daniel back his hat?

556
00:23:34,454 --> 00:23:36,957
- Thanks, Nicky.
- Leah, you're better than this.

557
00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:39,167
No. I'm really not.

558
00:23:39,251 --> 00:23:40,585
Oh, my God.

559
00:23:40,669 --> 00:23:42,420
- Here you go, man.
- Uh...

560
00:23:42,504 --> 00:23:44,506
[whispers] Party Wolf. [howls]

561
00:23:46,049 --> 00:23:48,969
I kind of wish we had just gone
to see Carpet Ceiling.

562
00:23:49,052 --> 00:23:52,264
- You know that's not a real movie, right?
- I know.

563
00:23:52,347 --> 00:23:56,434
Missy, you really didn't do anything wrong
in that closet.

564
00:23:56,518 --> 00:23:59,646
You're being very sweet,
but I'm a danger to myself and others.

565
00:23:59,729 --> 00:24:01,106
- [car approaches, horn honks]
- It was me, I...

566
00:24:01,189 --> 00:24:02,274
- My parents.
- Missy--

567
00:24:02,357 --> 00:24:03,942
Prompt as usual.

568
00:24:04,025 --> 00:24:05,277
- Oh...
- [car door closes]

569
00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:09,072
Maury, why is this all so complicated?

570
00:24:09,156 --> 00:24:12,409
I know I'm a broken record on this
but Mercury is in retrograde.

571
00:24:12,492 --> 00:24:14,035
Enough with the astrology.

572
00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:16,746
Spoken like a two-faced fucking Gemini.

573
00:24:16,830 --> 00:24:18,999
Anyway, I'll always be here
for you, buddy.

574
00:24:19,082 --> 00:24:20,750
There you are, Maury.

575
00:24:20,834 --> 00:24:23,587
- Let's go to my place, huh?
- One sec, baby.

576
00:24:23,670 --> 00:24:25,839
Hey, man, I got a medical emergency
so I got to bounce.

577
00:24:25,922 --> 00:24:27,966
Jack off twice and page me in the morning.

578
00:24:28,049 --> 00:24:29,843
- Come on, boys.
- [squeaking]

579
00:24:31,011 --> 00:24:32,512
Bye, head pusher.

580
00:24:32,596 --> 00:24:35,265
- [hissing]
- A pox on this party.

581
00:24:36,057 --> 00:24:39,352
- Wow, Jud, you slashed Daniel's tires?
- What are you talking about?

582
00:24:39,436 --> 00:24:40,687
- Didn't you just--
- Who's Daniel?

583
00:24:40,770 --> 00:24:41,938
[hissing]

584
00:24:42,022 --> 00:24:43,273
Okay. I'll take it.

585
00:24:43,356 --> 00:24:45,442
[Seinfeld theme plays]

586
00:24:45,525 --> 00:24:48,153
So, did you guys hear the news?

587
00:24:48,236 --> 00:24:51,531
- What news?
- Daniel is... [pops lips] dead.

588
00:24:51,615 --> 00:24:52,949
He's dead?

589
00:24:53,033 --> 00:24:54,367
- Dead.
- What happened?

590
00:24:54,451 --> 00:24:56,745
The cotton candy brandy
seeped into his brain,

591
00:24:56,828 --> 00:24:59,789
he got a tumor, two weeks later...
[guttural grunt]

592
00:24:59,873 --> 00:25:02,918
- Dead.
- Oh, so, when's the funeral?

593
00:25:03,001 --> 00:25:06,087
It was supposed to be tomorrow
but it got pushed.

594
00:25:06,171 --> 00:25:09,007
- [Seinfeld theme playing]
- [applause]
NOTE: This is a transcription of the spoken dialogue and audio, with time-code reference, provided without cost for your entertainment, convenience, and study.  This version may not be exactly as written in the original script; however, the intellectual property is still reserved by the original source and may be subject to copyright.

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I used to be the guy who did that thing on the show you never heard of. Now I'm Head Nincompoop here, writing about binge-watching.

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