Big Mouth Script Season 1 Episode 1.03

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Big Mouth (2017)

 episode script

season 1 - episode 3
"Am I Gay?"

Created by

Nick Kroll
Andrew Goldberg

Written by

Nick Kroll
Andrew Goldberg
Mark Levin
Jennifer Flackett
Joe Wengert

Directed by

Mike L. Mayfield

Big Mouth logo

S01-Ep.03: "Am I Gay?"

A trailer for a new movie starring The Rock leaves Andrew questioning his sexuality. Jessi and Nick's budding romance turns ugly fast.

TRANSCRIPTION

1
00:00:09,759 --> 00:00:11,469
[announcer] The pecs...

2
00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:13,012
the abs...

3
00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:15,098
...the johnson.

4
00:00:15,181 --> 00:00:19,519
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
is one hot Paul Bunyan.

5
00:00:19,602 --> 00:00:22,564
I've got morning wood... to chop.

6
00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:24,232
-[growls]
-Hyah!

7
00:00:25,483 --> 00:00:26,568
Oh, yeah!

8
00:00:26,651 --> 00:00:30,113
Damn, Paul, your sticky chest
gave me blue balls.

9
00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:34,617
[announcer] This fall, Paul Bunyan
takes on the Big Apple

10
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,369
and swallows every bite.

11
00:00:36,453 --> 00:00:37,662
[man] Yum-yum!

12
00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:42,709
Oh, my God, that movie looks so good.

13
00:00:42,792 --> 00:00:44,210
Yeah, it's a movie, it's gonna be great.

14
00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:46,546
That's it. I'm getting us tickets
the second they go on sale.

15
00:00:47,213 --> 00:00:49,299
Uh, you actually
don't have to get me one.

16
00:00:49,382 --> 00:00:50,759
What? We see every movie together.

17
00:00:50,842 --> 00:00:52,886
Well, Jessi and I are going out now...

18
00:00:52,969 --> 00:00:54,262
-Oh!
-and so--

19
00:00:54,345 --> 00:00:55,764
-And you feel like you should go with her?
-Well--

20
00:00:55,847 --> 00:00:59,809
-Yeah, that-- that totally makes sense.
-But we can watch the trailer together.

21
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,436
Nick, I'd like that very much.

22
00:01:01,519 --> 00:01:03,396
All right, loading.

23
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,356
[online voices panting, grunting]

24
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,484
Oh! Bryan Singer directed this.

25
00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:09,652
[announcer] The pecs...

26
00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:10,945
the abs...

27
00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:12,906
...the johnson.

28
00:01:12,989 --> 00:01:15,867
What's up, my man? You page me?
Who we hard for?

29
00:01:15,950 --> 00:01:18,411
-Well, um...
-Rihanna? The Land O' Lakes butter chick?

30
00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:19,704
-Um...
-Oh!

31
00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:22,540
-The Rock gave you a boner.
-No! What? No!

32
00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:25,543
No way, this is a fluke.
You know I have no control over these.

33
00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:28,254
Like, remember when I saw
that particularly plump tomato?

34
00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:31,925
Yeah, yeah, could be a fluke,
or maybe... you're gay.

35
00:01:32,008 --> 00:01:34,010
Okay, that's crazy, all right?

36
00:01:34,093 --> 00:01:36,054
All I do is fantasize about girls.

37
00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:39,057
Only one way to find out.
Okay, have a seat.

38
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:43,102
-Er, should I take off my glasses?
-Oh, no, no. This isn't an eye test.

39
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:44,646
It's a gay test.

40
00:01:44,729 --> 00:01:47,440
[Hormone Monster]
Now tell me-- number one, or number two?

41
00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:49,359
-[Andrew] Number one...?
-Interesting.

42
00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:51,319
Number one, number two?

43
00:01:51,402 --> 00:01:53,196
-[Andrew] Number two...?
-Cool, cool.

44
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:56,574
-Number one, number two?
-[Andrew] Can I see number one again?

45
00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:58,326
-Yeah.
-[Andrew] Number one?

46
00:01:58,409 --> 00:02:01,329
Interesting.
Okay, number one, or number two?

47
00:02:01,412 --> 00:02:03,123
-[gasps] Oh, my God.
-Number two, right?

48
00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:07,210
-Maybe I am gay.
-Okay, all right. That's good to know.

49
00:02:07,293 --> 00:02:09,337
Wait, what-- don't write this down.
Are you filling out a form?

50
00:02:09,420 --> 00:02:11,422
No, I'm just drawing a picture
of a unicorn...

51
00:02:11,506 --> 00:02:14,884
-Oh, you have a sweet side.
-...buttfucking Mr. Clean!

52
00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:52,839
Mmm.

53
00:02:52,922 --> 00:02:55,091
It's good, the water.

54
00:02:55,174 --> 00:02:59,178
Yeah, I hear tap water's good
'cause there's fluoride in it.

55
00:02:59,262 --> 00:03:01,681
-Cool.
-Cool.

56
00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:05,810
-Andrew did the funniest thing today.
-Oh, God, tell me. What did he do?

57
00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:07,979
-[chuckles] His fruit snacks...
-Uh-huh?

58
00:03:08,062 --> 00:03:10,481
-...they melted into one big fruit snack.
-Uh-huh?

59
00:03:11,649 --> 00:03:14,611
-And then what happened?
-And then he, um, well, he ate it.

60
00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:17,071
Oh. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

61
00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:20,199
-Cool, cool. El baño.
-I'm sorry, what?

62
00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:23,369
[stammers] Oh, uh, Span--
um, "El baño" is Spanish for--

63
00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:25,079
-Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom now.
-Okay.

64
00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:26,039
[pattering]

65
00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:31,294
Ugh! That was positively painful,
my pretty little pupusa.

66
00:03:31,377 --> 00:03:34,005
I know. We used to have so much fun.

67
00:03:34,088 --> 00:03:38,635
-Why is it so weird now?
-Because you two do not belong together.

68
00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:41,930
-But I really like Nick.
-As a friend.

69
00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:44,724
But remember when y'all did
your Frenched kiss?

70
00:03:44,807 --> 00:03:47,936
-What did you feel?
-Not much.

71
00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:49,145
How's it supposed to feel?

72
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,981
Like Stanley Kowalski picking you up
and thrusting you

73
00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:54,651
onto a kitchen counter
like you weigh nothing.

74
00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:56,778
I don't know who that is
but that does sound good.

75
00:03:56,861 --> 00:04:00,114
There's a reason they named
that streetcar Desire.

76
00:04:00,198 --> 00:04:02,825
-Now go out there and lose that boy.
-[moans]

77
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,996
I've got morning wood... to chop.

78
00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:09,207
Lights out. It's 9:05.

79
00:04:09,290 --> 00:04:12,418
Hey, Dad, um...
can I ask you something?

80
00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:16,089
Me? Okay, fine, but the lights stay off.
I don't own stock in Con Ed.

81
00:04:16,172 --> 00:04:19,342
Um, when did you start to like women?

82
00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:21,970
-Women? Ugh. Can't stand women.
-Really?

83
00:04:22,053 --> 00:04:24,722
Don't care for men, either.
I don't like people in general.

84
00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:26,891
-Well, what about Mom?
-Well, I love your mother,

85
00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:29,018
but don't tell her that. Who else?

86
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,437
I would say that there's about
four other people--

87
00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:33,439
Terry Bradshaw, of course.

88
00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:36,025
There's a Metro North conductor
who's good.

89
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:39,612
My cousin Eugene...
no, that's it. I think that's it.

90
00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:41,739
I think three.
Yeah, I like three people.

91
00:04:41,823 --> 00:04:44,659
-Andrew, did this talk help?
-I guess?

92
00:04:44,742 --> 00:04:48,121
Good. I'm gonna go lie down on the floor
in the den and open mail.

93
00:04:50,498 --> 00:04:53,376
-Thanks for dinner.
-Yeah, sorry I sent back my food.

94
00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:55,920
See, I thought tilapia
was a kind of pasta.

95
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:59,048
-No, it's a fish.
-Yeah, no, no, I know that now.

96
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:03,261
You know, I was thinking,
we were so good as friends.

97
00:05:03,344 --> 00:05:06,431
-So good.
-So maybe we should just be friends again?

98
00:05:06,514 --> 00:05:09,309
I love that. That's what this is missing,
right? Being friends.

99
00:05:09,392 --> 00:05:12,270
[sighs] Oh, Good.
I'm so glad you feel the same way.

100
00:05:12,895 --> 00:05:15,398
Nick! Nice blazer, my man.

101
00:05:15,481 --> 00:05:17,150
Thanks. I got it
for my aunt's first wedding.

102
00:05:17,233 --> 00:05:19,485
Love's a journey, dude.
She'll figure it out.

103
00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:21,571
-You ready, Jellybean?
-Yep. Bye, Nick.

104
00:05:21,654 --> 00:05:23,406
And thanks again.

105
00:05:24,657 --> 00:05:28,202
This is so great!
I'm friends with my girlfriend.

106
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:32,373
Judd, anything special
going on in school today?

107
00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:34,834
-No.
-[chuckles] Terrific.

108
00:05:34,917 --> 00:05:37,253
So mysterious.
I get such a kick out of this kid.

109
00:05:37,336 --> 00:05:42,258
-Nick, how was your big date last night?
-It started out a little awkward,

110
00:05:42,341 --> 00:05:45,595
but then Jessi had this idea
that we would just be friends again

111
00:05:45,678 --> 00:05:47,513
and now I'm really excited about it.

112
00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:48,431
[Judd chuckles]

113
00:05:48,514 --> 00:05:50,558
-Oh, honey.
-What?

114
00:05:50,641 --> 00:05:54,729
Did she say just be friends
or "just be friends"?

115
00:05:54,812 --> 00:05:57,440
-Is there a difference?
-I'll rip that little bitch to shreds.

116
00:05:57,523 --> 00:06:00,735
-What?
-It sounds like she broke up with you.

117
00:06:00,818 --> 00:06:04,947
No. Guys, nobody dumped anyone.
We're still going out. We're just friends.

118
00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:07,408
She made you feel
like it was your idea, didn't she?

119
00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:09,327
That's exactly what I did
to Tyler Kinney.

120
00:06:09,410 --> 00:06:12,830
You remember Tyler. He tried to light
himself on fire in our front yard.

121
00:06:12,914 --> 00:06:15,208
-Oh, man, Jessi dumped me.
-Ha!

122
00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:17,960
-Everyone's gonna think I'm a loser.
-Well, you're a winner to me.

123
00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:20,213
-Wanna go on a date with your old man?
-No!

124
00:06:20,296 --> 00:06:22,256
-Oh, my God.
-[whispers] Light yourself on fire.

125
00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:23,257
[class bell rings]

126
00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:26,094
Hey, um, Matthew?

127
00:06:26,177 --> 00:06:28,888
Oh, look, the lost and found
became a person.

128
00:06:28,971 --> 00:06:30,890
Uh, I was wondering-- if you don't mind--

129
00:06:30,973 --> 00:06:35,478
um, how did you know
that you were, um... gay?

130
00:06:35,561 --> 00:06:37,313
Sorry, you're the only gay person I know.

131
00:06:37,396 --> 00:06:40,983
Uh, I'm the only gay person
you know you know.

132
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:42,318
Why are we talking about this?

133
00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:45,571
[gasps] Oh-hh...!
You think you're gay.

134
00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:49,325
What? No! No.
Well, yeah. I'm not sure.

135
00:06:49,408 --> 00:06:52,620
No, I can see it.
I mean, you suck at being straight.

136
00:06:52,703 --> 00:06:55,164
Hi, Andrew, I just wanted
to preemptively let you know

137
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:58,584
-that I'm not interested in you.
-And may I say that I fully understand

138
00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,628
-and I thank you for your candor.
-You're welcome.

139
00:07:00,711 --> 00:07:02,922
That. That, too. You're weirdly formal,

140
00:07:03,005 --> 00:07:05,508
like the kind of gay guy
who's in the Air Force

141
00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:08,719
and then became middle management at IBM,
and you have a condo,

142
00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:10,430
and there's like, a side gym
in the building.

143
00:07:10,513 --> 00:07:13,182
That sounds like a nice little life
I've made for myself.

144
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:16,519
Let's face it, Andrew,
if you're asking, you're probably gay.

145
00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:18,646
"Probably gay"?
What does that even mean?

146
00:07:18,729 --> 00:07:20,731
Not my job.
I have morning announcements,

147
00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:24,485
-and you have, like, a pear shape.
-Oh, God.

148
00:07:25,236 --> 00:07:27,447
[music playing]

149
00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:29,407
Lacrosse tryouts are tomorrow.

150
00:07:29,490 --> 00:07:33,494
Exciting news for rich sociopaths
with a loose concept of consent.

151
00:07:33,578 --> 00:07:36,706
But let's move on to something
actually care about--

152
00:07:36,789 --> 00:07:38,958
Nick and Jessi.

153
00:07:39,041 --> 00:07:41,544
Everyone wants to know
who broke up with who,

154
00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:44,422
and here to give us the inside scoop
is Nick.

155
00:07:45,673 --> 00:07:50,970
Nick, tell us, in your own tiny words,
who dumped who?

156
00:07:51,053 --> 00:07:54,599
[chuckles] First of all,
I really don't like the word "dump."

157
00:07:54,682 --> 00:07:58,394
I find it offensive. I mean, does
it really matter who broke up with who?

158
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:01,689
-Of course it does. You know that.
-Okay, here's what I will say--

159
00:08:01,772 --> 00:08:04,400
I think Jessi is a fantastic girl,

160
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:08,821
and that's why it was so hard
for me to break up with her.

161
00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:10,948
-[all gasp]
-[Matthew] You heard it here--

162
00:08:11,032 --> 00:08:13,701
-Nick dumped Jessi.
-[growls]

163
00:08:15,203 --> 00:08:16,287
Angry.

164
00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:22,126
We shall reach up that little pygmy's ass
and pull out his heart!

165
00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:24,879
-[thunderclap crashes]
-His ass heart!

166
00:08:24,962 --> 00:08:28,883
Tomorrow, an exclusive interview
with Patient Zero in our pinkeye epidemic.

167
00:08:28,966 --> 00:08:33,846
Yeah, looking back, there was definitely
fecal matter on some of the basketballs.

168
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:38,142
This is Coach Steve, by the way.
Ooh, I can't believe I'm gonna be on TV!

169
00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:39,560
[faint barking]

170
00:08:39,644 --> 00:08:41,020
[whistling]

171
00:08:41,103 --> 00:08:45,358
Okay, so, normally right about now
I'd watch the Mets game.

172
00:08:45,441 --> 00:08:49,487
But if I'm probably gay,
maybe I should--

173
00:08:49,570 --> 00:08:51,948
Definitely watch gay porn.

174
00:08:52,031 --> 00:08:54,617
I know, I know, but I've been scared
to look at any porn.

175
00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:58,037
Isn't going directly to gay porn
like jumping head first into the deep end?

176
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:01,040
More like dick first into the butt end.
Nailed it.

177
00:09:01,123 --> 00:09:02,124
[clicking]

178
00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:05,336
Don't just type in "gay porn."
Switch over to private browsing first.

179
00:09:05,419 --> 00:09:06,420
Good call, good call.

180
00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:09,674
We're gonna have to clear more cookies
than a fat kid at a birthday party.

181
00:09:09,757 --> 00:09:11,467
[laughs]
Nailed it again.

182
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:12,385
-[clicking]
-Um...

183
00:09:12,468 --> 00:09:15,471
All right, Andrew, this is your journey.
You must be your own shaman.

184
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,639
Ugh...

185
00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:18,891
-Click the mouse.
-Okay. Here goes.

186
00:09:19,892 --> 00:09:21,394
-[clicks]
-[siren wails]

187
00:09:22,061 --> 00:09:23,938
-Well, all right.
-Shit. Wait. What's this?

188
00:09:24,021 --> 00:09:25,231
-That's good.
-Wait. Close that.

189
00:09:25,314 --> 00:09:27,149
-That won't close. Why won't this close?
-[Hormone Monster] Open that one.

190
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:29,986
-No, I don't want to zoom.
-Yes! Yes!

191
00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:31,862
-[Andrew] Stop clicking on it!
-It's got a life of its own!

192
00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:35,575
Virus, virus! Shame on you!

193
00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:38,411
-[Dad] Andrew, what's going on up there?
-Nothing! I'm asleep.

194
00:09:38,494 --> 00:09:41,581
[Dad]
Well, something's wrong with the computer.

195
00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:44,542
Terry Bradshaw's taking a shower
with Howie Long,

196
00:09:44,625 --> 00:09:47,211
and why does Shannon Sharpe
want to get in there?

197
00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:49,380
Oh, my God!
[thumps]

198
00:09:49,463 --> 00:09:50,715
[bell rings]

199
00:09:50,798 --> 00:09:53,634
Ooh, how'd you break up with Jessi?
Did you make her cry?

200
00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:56,554
To be honest, it was, like,
the hardest thing I've ever had to do

201
00:09:56,637 --> 00:09:59,515
but it was the right thing to do.
Does that make sense?

202
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:02,059
-Ha! You my dawg.
-Nick Birch!

203
00:10:07,023 --> 00:10:09,400
Looks like I picked the right outfit
this morning.

204
00:10:10,234 --> 00:10:12,486
Jessi, it's-- ahem, good to see you.

205
00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:14,280
-Is it?
-What's going on?

206
00:10:14,363 --> 00:10:16,407
I can't see. My eyes are crusted shut.

207
00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:18,576
Look, we could still be friends.

208
00:10:19,493 --> 00:10:21,412
Friends? Ha!

209
00:10:21,495 --> 00:10:23,581
Oh, we're not friends.

210
00:10:23,664 --> 00:10:25,833
Cut that little pipsqueak down to size.

211
00:10:25,916 --> 00:10:29,629
And to set the record straight,
I broke up with you.

212
00:10:29,712 --> 00:10:31,797
-Well, it was mutual.
-No, no, no.

213
00:10:31,881 --> 00:10:34,300
-Gun him down.
-I knew it wasn't gonna work

214
00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:38,387
as soon as I kissed
your big, weird catfish mouth.

215
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,765
-[all gasp]
-Yeah, paint a picture, baby.

216
00:10:40,848 --> 00:10:43,351
Jessi, let's not forget you kissed me.

217
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:46,103
-Oh, I'll never forget.
-Sing it, sister.

218
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:47,897
Just with your giant blubbery lips

219
00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:50,524
it felt like I was chewing
on two lukewarm hot dogs.

220
00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:52,485
-Okay.
-More, more, more!

221
00:10:52,568 --> 00:10:56,739
The gross poking and prodding
from your scaly alligator tongue.

222
00:10:56,822 --> 00:10:58,658
Rub his nose in it.

223
00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:03,996
And I pity the poor girl who makes
the mistake of kissing you next.

224
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,749
You're gonna hear that from time to time.
It's part of the game.

225
00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:08,751
But that's not gonna happen.

226
00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:12,630
'Cause I'm gonna tell everyone
that you, Nick Birch,

227
00:11:12,713 --> 00:11:16,133
[screams]
are the world's worst kisser!

228
00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:17,343
[all gasp]

229
00:11:18,469 --> 00:11:21,347
Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker.

230
00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:23,099
Now let's mosey.

231
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:28,354
Aw, don't worry about it, Nick.
Opinions are like assholes--

232
00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:31,023
keep 'em away
from your basketballs, all right?

233
00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:32,024
[distant dog barking]

234
00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:34,235
Okay, okay, you gotta get back at Jessi.

235
00:11:34,318 --> 00:11:36,112
-Jay.
-And I've got just the idea.

236
00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:37,905
-Jay--
-It's a little bit juvenile,

237
00:11:37,988 --> 00:11:39,990
but it's simple and it's timeless.

238
00:11:40,074 --> 00:11:42,243
-Jay--
-We let it be known that Jessi,

239
00:11:42,326 --> 00:11:47,623
-for a snack, eats tiny pieces of shit.
-What? She doesn't eat pieces of shit.

240
00:11:47,706 --> 00:11:50,042
Andrew, you're picturing it
and we're talking about it.

241
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,585
-That's a win in my book.
-Wait, wait, wait.

242
00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:54,213
I'm not gonna say that Jessi eats shit.

243
00:11:54,296 --> 00:11:57,049
We're in a fight but ultimately
we're still friends, right?

244
00:11:57,133 --> 00:12:00,469
No! She was your friend,
then she was your lover,

245
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,263
now she's your enemy.

246
00:12:02,346 --> 00:12:04,974
Please stop quoting your dad's
divorce lawyer commercials.

247
00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:08,018
Okay, fine. We'll take the high road.
We'll just say she's a lesbo.

248
00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:11,021
No, if I call her a lesbo,
then she's gonna say that I'm gay.

249
00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:13,983
And, hey, is--
that's a bad thing, right?

250
00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:15,734
Like if people think you're gay
that's bad?

251
00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:18,320
-No, we all know it's okay to be gay.
-Do we?

252
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:21,699
I mean, if it's so "okay" to be gay,

253
00:12:21,782 --> 00:12:23,701
then why are you so afraid
to be called gay?

254
00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:25,411
-Because I'm not.
-But if you were--

255
00:12:25,494 --> 00:12:26,704
-It'd be a nightmare.
-Why?

256
00:12:26,787 --> 00:12:28,330
Why? Come on, Andrew.

257
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,374
No girl's gonna hook up with you
if you're gay.

258
00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:33,043
They'll think all you do is stick
your dick inside other dudes' dicks.

259
00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:36,338
Jay, gay people don't stick their dicks
inside other dicks.

260
00:12:36,422 --> 00:12:37,882
You're picturing it
and we're talking about it.

261
00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:40,009
-I'm not picturing that.
-Let me ask you this--

262
00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:42,970
would you rather that lesbo
call you "catfish mouth" or gay?

263
00:12:43,053 --> 00:12:44,346
I don't want to be called either.

264
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:46,891
Because being gay is as bad
as having a catfish mouth.

265
00:12:46,974 --> 00:12:48,100
We're all on the same page.

266
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:50,394
-What's so bad about being gay?
-Nothing.

267
00:12:50,478 --> 00:12:52,605
It just seems kinda hard to be gay.

268
00:12:52,688 --> 00:12:55,191
Oh, it's really hard. I mean,
have you ever looked at gay porn?

269
00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:58,027
-What? No.
-Neither have I, right? Okay.

270
00:12:58,110 --> 00:13:00,321
Now if you'll excuse me, bathroom.

271
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:04,492
Okay, okay, how about this-- we'll say 
Jessi puts peanut butter on her dog's dick

272
00:13:04,575 --> 00:13:06,076
and licks it off. Yum, yum, yum.

273
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,537
Aren't you supposed to put
the peanut butter on your own dick?

274
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:11,415
Oh. Wow. That would feel way better.

275
00:13:11,999 --> 00:13:16,545
Um, hello? Mr. Ghost of Duke Ellington? 
It's Andrew.

276
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:19,632
Why, hello, Andrew!
[laughs]

277
00:13:19,715 --> 00:13:21,759
Are you doing a report on me for school?

278
00:13:21,842 --> 00:13:26,180
Here's a fun fact-- Stevie Wonder
wrote the song "Sir Duke" about me.

279
00:13:26,263 --> 00:13:29,266
And he's been faking his blindness
his entire life.

280
00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:32,186
That sounds like
a crazy conspiracy theory.

281
00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:34,855
[laughing]
You should hear my views on 9/11.

282
00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:38,400
How come all the Jews knew
not to come to work that day?

283
00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:40,611
No, that's been proven to be untrue.

284
00:13:40,694 --> 00:13:44,365
You're picturing it
and we're talking about it. [laughs]

285
00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:48,869
Anyway, Duke, I wanted your advice,
and I guess I still do.

286
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:53,123
You see, Duke, I'm probably gay
and it is scary.

287
00:13:53,207 --> 00:13:57,836
Only if you find disposable income
and terrific summer houses scary.

288
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:58,837
[laughing]

289
00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:01,131
Did you know any gay people
when you were alive?

290
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,426
Of course! I was in show business,

291
00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:06,804
the official profession of the gay people.

292
00:14:06,887 --> 00:14:12,017
Allow me to introduce you
to famous deceased homosexuals

293
00:14:12,101 --> 00:14:14,687
Socrates, Freddie Mercury,

294
00:14:14,770 --> 00:14:18,482
and Justice Antonin Scalia.

295
00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:20,943
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia?

296
00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:22,987
But weren't you famously anti-gay?

297
00:14:23,070 --> 00:14:27,366
I was deep in the closet,
and I wish I came out while I was alive.

298
00:14:27,449 --> 00:14:32,371
Ghost cock is like vegan bacon--
it just isn't as good as the real thing.

299
00:14:32,454 --> 00:14:34,999
-And it has a weird texture.
-Wow, yeah.

300
00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:38,210
Also, it's the best time to be gay
since ancient Greece.

301
00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:39,879
Huh. I had no idea.

302
00:14:39,962 --> 00:14:41,797
As long as you live on one of the coasts,

303
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:45,134
or Austin, Texas--
that place is keeping it weird.

304
00:14:45,217 --> 00:14:47,344
Being gay can be bloody brilliant.

305
00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:50,306
-How so, Freddie Mercury?
-I was hoping you would ask.

306
00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:54,476
[singers]
♪ What's it like to be gay? ♪

307
00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:04,486
♪ When you're gay
Every day is a nonstop cabaret ♪

308
00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:07,907
♪ You've got style and flair
You're loved everywhere ♪

309
00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:11,160
♪ Except for North Carolina ♪

310
00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:14,204
♪ Bears and queens
And Catholic tweens ♪

311
00:15:14,288 --> 00:15:17,124
♪ The world's your buff buffet ♪

312
00:15:17,207 --> 00:15:19,877
♪ Come and join in the fun
Say hello to tight butts ♪

313
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:22,922
♪ And goodbye vaginas ♪

314
00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:25,674
-♪ Be gay, totally gay ♪
-♪ Be gay ♪

315
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:28,677
♪ Be a bright and shining rainbow ♪

316
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:31,847
♪ Yes, you'll find your new identity ♪

317
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:35,017
♪ In the LGBT community ♪

318
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:36,185
♪ Oh ♪

319
00:15:36,268 --> 00:15:38,437
♪ I'm gay, totally gay ♪

320
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,940
-♪ He's gay ♪
-♪ I'm a fabulous flouncing ♪

321
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:43,692
-♪ Loud and proud cliché ♪
-♪ Sashay ♪

322
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:45,194
-♪ On display ♪
-♪ All day ♪

323
00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:48,781
♪ And I found my calling today ♪

324
00:15:48,864 --> 00:15:50,199
-♪ Hooray! ♪
-♪ Oh, shanté! ♪

325
00:15:50,282 --> 00:15:54,036
-♪ So gay ♪
-♪ It's a flaming hot pink-letter day ♪

326
00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:57,039
♪ I'm not the boy I used to be ♪

327
00:15:57,122 --> 00:16:01,460
♪ I'm here, I'm queer, get used to me ♪

328
00:16:02,378 --> 00:16:06,131
♪ I'm gay ♪

329
00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:12,888
♪ He's absolutely, undeniably gay ♪

330
00:16:17,142 --> 00:16:20,312
Matthew, you were right. I'm gay.

331
00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:24,233
Well, look at you,
walking into rooms, declaring things.

332
00:16:24,316 --> 00:16:26,902
Yes, I'm declaring
that I'm a proud gay man.

333
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,488
Okay, what's next?
How am I supposed to dress?

334
00:16:29,571 --> 00:16:32,074
How do I meet other gay people?
How do I find a boyfriend?

335
00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:34,868
Well, first of all,
you already have a boyfriend.

336
00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:36,620
-What? Who?
-"Peanut."

337
00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:38,038
-Who?
-"Little Purse Dog."

338
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:40,916
-Purse Dog?
-"Mr. Teddy Graham."

339
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,669
-Nick?
-Yes! "Little Baby Salt Shaker."

340
00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:46,588
What? No, Nick's not my boyfriend.
We're just best friends.

341
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:48,966
Oh, please!
You do everything together.

342
00:16:49,049 --> 00:16:52,344
You're always making each other jealous,
getting in your stupid little fights.

343
00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:55,848
-It's classic. You're a tall and a short.
-Is that a thing?

344
00:16:55,931 --> 00:16:58,392
Everything in the gay community
is a thing.

345
00:16:58,475 --> 00:17:00,894
Also, bye-ee!

346
00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:06,692
He's right, it's Nick.
It's always been Nick.

347
00:17:06,775 --> 00:17:08,569
So what's up?
You officially gay?

348
00:17:08,652 --> 00:17:11,238
What? Yes. Where have you been?

349
00:17:11,321 --> 00:17:14,783
I'm sorry, I was inducting
my dear friend Joe Walsh

350
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,827
into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

351
00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:21,123
And as long as he's around,
rock and roll will never die.

352
00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:26,253
Ladies and gentlemen, Eagles legend
and my brother-in-arms, Mr. Joe--

353
00:17:26,336 --> 00:17:27,463
Well, you get it.

354
00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:31,383
Is this the gay kid
you were talking about, man?

355
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:33,385
Yeah. He thinks he's in love
with his best friend.

356
00:17:33,469 --> 00:17:37,556
It would be kind of perfect, right?
We get along, his parents love me--

357
00:17:37,639 --> 00:17:41,727
Well, if he's gay and into it,
then you're making music.

358
00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:45,064
Beautiful music. Though,
I should figure out if Nick is into it.

359
00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:48,025
But if he's not,
that's a hard morning light

360
00:17:48,108 --> 00:17:50,402
coming through your window, brother.

361
00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:53,155
Joe Walsh is right.
If I come right out and tell him

362
00:17:53,238 --> 00:17:55,574
and he's not into it,
that could ruin everything.

363
00:17:55,657 --> 00:17:58,744
Yeah, and then you'll get caught up
in a bunch of lawsuits

364
00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:00,621
about publishing rights,

365
00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:04,875
and Don Henley doesn't call you
on your birthday anymore, man.

366
00:18:04,958 --> 00:18:07,669
It's a bummer
'cause he was your brother.

367
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:09,171
[bell rings]

368
00:18:16,136 --> 00:18:18,013
-What's up, jerk?
-Hey, Jessi,

369
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:22,184
-do you want to sit over here with me?
-Oh, yeah. Thanks, Missy.

370
00:18:22,267 --> 00:18:24,061
Do you want some of
my homemade fruit leather?

371
00:18:24,144 --> 00:18:27,856
-I'm not allowed refined sugar.
-Uh, thanks. I'm all set.

372
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,274
Oh. Okay, how about this?

373
00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:32,319
Wow. It must be hard for you
that you can't sit with the boys anymore

374
00:18:32,402 --> 00:18:36,031
after all that stuff you said
about Nick's mouth.

375
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:39,201
-Yeah.
-The gloves came off in a fit of rage.

376
00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:41,161
I was really mad.

377
00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:44,414
And I guess as goes Nick
so goes Andrew.

378
00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:47,084
It's the law of the jungle, Jessi.
It's the law of the jungle.

379
00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:49,795
Yeah, that part
I didn't really think through.

380
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:55,050
Fucking bitch!
Eating those baby carrots

381
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,886
when you know she wants to be eating
little pieces of shit.

382
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,597
Jay, please.
How did everything get so messed up?

383
00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:03,684
I know. This whole thing with Jessi,
it makes you wonder,

384
00:19:03,767 --> 00:19:05,978
like, hey, women, do we even need them?

385
00:19:06,061 --> 00:19:09,690
What? Of course we do.
What about my mom and, like, whores?

386
00:19:09,773 --> 00:19:13,152
My point is, when it's just the boys
it's, hey, we make music.

387
00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:14,611
-Uh-huh.
-But with girls it's like,

388
00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:16,864
-"Aw, why aren't they boys?"
-I don't get it.

389
00:19:16,947 --> 00:19:18,657
Are you saying
that we can't be friends with girls?

390
00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:22,703
No, I'm just saying maybe the two of us
should go on a vacation,

391
00:19:22,786 --> 00:19:25,455
go camping or something,
get away from all this woman drama.

392
00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:28,792
-Oh, I love that. Camping's a great--
-It's just Nick and me!

393
00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:31,128
Oh-- yeah, no, that-- that's fine.

394
00:19:31,211 --> 00:19:33,630
I mean, I know how to track you guys.

395
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,599
-[music playing]
-Nick-o-teen,

396
00:19:43,682 --> 00:19:46,768
you caught me working on a new song
that no one will ever hear.

397
00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:48,145
[laughing]

398
00:19:48,228 --> 00:19:52,024
Oh, death is so profoundly sad.

399
00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:54,443
But enough about me.
Why the long face?

400
00:19:54,526 --> 00:19:57,362
Duke, I guess I was wondering,
have you ever stayed friends with an ex?
401
00:19:57,446 --> 00:19:59,865
-Nope. Impossible.
-That's a bummer.

402
00:19:59,948 --> 00:20:01,700
I'd really like to be friends
with Jessi again.

403
00:20:01,783 --> 00:20:05,120
Man, you boys
having a lot of problems this week, huh?

404
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:06,955
-What do you mean?
-Your lumpy friend Andrew

405
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,457
was up here the other day.

406
00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:11,210
Good kid.
Thinks he might be a homosexual.

407
00:20:11,293 --> 00:20:13,503
What? Andrew? That's impossible.

408
00:20:13,587 --> 00:20:15,422
-He would tell me.
-Would he?

409
00:20:15,505 --> 00:20:18,091
What if he's shaking
in his little gay boots,

410
00:20:18,175 --> 00:20:20,385
scared you won't want to be
his friend anymore?

411
00:20:20,469 --> 00:20:23,305
I don't care if Andrew's gay,
I'll always want to be his friend.

412
00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:27,559
Let's just say he comes out to you
and you fire him from your band,

413
00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:31,813
so he becomes destitute and
flings himself in front of a trolley car.

414
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:34,483
Duke, did you fire a guy for being gay?

415
00:20:34,566 --> 00:20:38,820
Oh, God, no! I loved having
gay guys in my band.

416
00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:41,406
More groupie for Dukie.
Yum, yum, yum!

417
00:20:41,490 --> 00:20:43,742
I would never fire Andrew from my band.

418
00:20:43,825 --> 00:20:45,494
Oh, my God, poor Andrew.

419
00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:49,248
"Oh, my God, poor Andrew"?
That sounds like a good song.

420
00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:51,792
I'm gonna change the "oh, my God"
to "hey, now"

421
00:20:51,875 --> 00:20:54,962
and "poor Andrew" to "sweet Desiree."

422
00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:58,006
♪ Hey now, sweet Desiree ♪

423
00:21:00,550 --> 00:21:02,010
-Hey.
-Hi.

424
00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:05,889
-What are you doing here?
-I spoke to Duke.

425
00:21:05,973 --> 00:21:09,476
Oh. Did he mention anything
about Stevie Wonder

426
00:21:09,559 --> 00:21:14,356
-and his connection to 9/11?
-No. We actually talked about you.

427
00:21:14,439 --> 00:21:17,192
-Oh, God.
-He said you think you might be gay.

428
00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:21,863
What the hell? Is there
no child-ghost confidentiality anymore?

429
00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:24,866
-Well, is it true?
-I don't know.

430
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:28,537
Look, I got a boner
watching the "PB:NYC" trailer.

431
00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:31,665
Like, a big, hard boner.
And I don't know how to talk to girls

432
00:21:31,748 --> 00:21:34,334
but I wanna jizz all the time,

433
00:21:34,418 --> 00:21:37,838
and I'm so awkward around everyone
except you, 'cause we're best friends,

434
00:21:37,921 --> 00:21:40,924
and I guess it just seemed
like being gay might actually be great.

435
00:21:41,008 --> 00:21:44,094
But now that I'm saying it out loud
I don't know.

436
00:21:44,177 --> 00:21:46,888
I wish there was some way to know.
I've never even kissed a guy.

437
00:21:46,972 --> 00:21:49,599
I've never kissed anyone, for that matter.
How am I supposed to know if--

438
00:21:58,942 --> 00:22:00,569
You just kissed me.

439
00:22:00,652 --> 00:22:03,405
It was scientific.
I was just trying to help.

440
00:22:03,488 --> 00:22:04,823
Did you feel anything?

441
00:22:04,906 --> 00:22:07,034
-Uh...
-Nothing, flaccid.

442
00:22:07,117 --> 00:22:09,619
Maybe we should pin him to the ground,
jam it in his mouth,

443
00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:13,248
-just the sheer fucking degradation--
-Wait, wait, wait. Hush.

444
00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:17,377
-I-- I'm actually not into this.
-Yeah, no, I could tell.

445
00:22:17,461 --> 00:22:19,463
I was just spitballin'. Poof!

446
00:22:19,546 --> 00:22:21,923
So, are the test results in?

447
00:22:22,007 --> 00:22:24,676
Honestly, I didn't like it.

448
00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:26,553
Is it because
I have a gross catfish mouth?

449
00:22:26,636 --> 00:22:31,058
No, no, no, your mouth is fine.
I just didn't feel anything.

450
00:22:31,141 --> 00:22:32,517
Maybe I'm not gay.

451
00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:35,228
But thank you for kissing me...?

452
00:22:35,312 --> 00:22:37,147
Um, my pleasure...?

453
00:22:37,230 --> 00:22:39,775
Oh, I can't believe
that you were my first kiss.

454
00:22:39,858 --> 00:22:41,693
What am I gonna tell my grandkids?

455
00:22:41,777 --> 00:22:44,571
Grandpa Andrew, who was your first kiss?

456
00:22:44,654 --> 00:22:47,783
Well, you know your great-uncle Nick?

457
00:22:47,866 --> 00:22:51,119
You mean Nick Starr, the host
of "Countdown to Money"?

458
00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:53,955
Two robots and two humanoids
are here to compete

459
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:56,958
for Most Glorious Kingdom of China
Bitcoin units.

460
00:22:57,042 --> 00:23:01,088
So sit tight or shake your booty
'cause it's time to...

461
00:23:01,171 --> 00:23:06,718
[contestants chanting]
"Countdown to Money with Nick Starr!"

462
00:23:06,802 --> 00:23:07,761
Ni hao!

463
00:23:09,346 --> 00:23:11,223
God, what's taking so long?

464
00:23:11,306 --> 00:23:13,558
Hey, man, hurry it up!
We're gonna miss the movie.

465
00:23:13,642 --> 00:23:17,145
Movie? I thought this was
the self-checkout at Walgreens.

466
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:19,523
No wonder I couldn't find
prescription eye drops

467
00:23:19,606 --> 00:23:21,608
and those sticks you could floss with.

468
00:23:21,691 --> 00:23:23,902
-Oh, God, Jessi's here.
-What?

469
00:23:23,985 --> 00:23:26,905
-Come on, let's get out of here.
-No. You guys have to talk to each other.

470
00:23:26,988 --> 00:23:28,073
This is crazy.

471
00:23:28,865 --> 00:23:31,785
Oh, hello, Nick.
Did you bring a phone book to sit on?

472
00:23:31,868 --> 00:23:34,037
Oh, did you bring a big butt
that's yours?

473
00:23:34,121 --> 00:23:36,206
Hey! You two stop it.
This is ridiculous.

474
00:23:36,289 --> 00:23:38,708
You were friends,
then you're girlfriend and boyfriend,

475
00:23:38,792 --> 00:23:40,293
now you're not friends at all?

476
00:23:40,377 --> 00:23:43,296
Go stand by those two weird
Christmas movie posters

477
00:23:43,380 --> 00:23:46,466
and work your shit out.

478
00:23:46,967 --> 00:23:47,884
Maybe I am gay.

479
00:23:47,968 --> 00:23:51,096
-Okay, Andrew's not wrong.
-I know.

480
00:23:51,179 --> 00:23:53,306
When you said "let's be friends,"
I was excited

481
00:23:53,390 --> 00:23:55,600
because I really like being friends
with you.

482
00:23:55,684 --> 00:23:58,019
And we sucked
at being boyfriend and girlfriend.

483
00:23:58,103 --> 00:24:01,314
-Totally sucked at it.
-Are you sure we're not at Walgreens?

484
00:24:01,398 --> 00:24:04,109
I need to find the bin
filled with plastic balls

485
00:24:04,192 --> 00:24:05,610
that are too light to throw.

486
00:24:05,694 --> 00:24:08,530
I'm really sorry I said
all those terrible things about you.

487
00:24:08,613 --> 00:24:11,241
It's my fault.
I lied about how we broke up.

488
00:24:11,324 --> 00:24:13,493
I guess I just didn't want
to seem like the loser.

489
00:24:13,577 --> 00:24:15,495
We were both kind of losers.

490
00:24:15,579 --> 00:24:16,955
Yeah, we were.

491
00:24:17,038 --> 00:24:18,415
Shall we go to the movie?

492
00:24:18,498 --> 00:24:21,418
-After you, milady.
-Thank you, good sir.

493
00:24:23,211 --> 00:24:28,758
Aw, Atlanta Claus, you gotta help me find
a dying Mylar balloon that says "Wow."

494
00:24:28,842 --> 00:24:30,719
Merry Christ-murs!

495
00:24:30,802 --> 00:24:33,513
Have you been nar-ghty or nice?

496
00:24:33,597 --> 00:24:36,057
I can't be dishonest with you,
Black Santa.

497
00:24:36,141 --> 00:24:37,475
I've been real nar-ghty.

498
00:24:37,559 --> 00:24:40,770
I'm the one who put the fecal matter
on the basketballs.

499
00:24:40,854 --> 00:24:43,273
Hallelujer!

500
00:24:43,356 --> 00:24:48,278
Hey, Matthew, I just want to let you know
that I-- I figured it out.

501
00:24:48,361 --> 00:24:50,447
-I'm not gay.
-Oh!

502
00:24:50,530 --> 00:24:52,991
You had a whole little journey,
didn't you?

503
00:24:53,074 --> 00:24:57,287
Well, guess what, sack of potatoes?
No one is 100-percent gay or straight.

504
00:24:57,370 --> 00:25:00,457
-It's a spectrum.
-Oh. Well, how gay are you?

505
00:25:00,540 --> 00:25:03,293
I'm 20/20. Didn't Morrey
give you the gay test?

506
00:25:03,376 --> 00:25:05,879
"Morrey"? Do you mean
the Hormone Monster?

507
00:25:05,962 --> 00:25:08,924
Yeah, Morrey. He's the fucking man.

508
00:25:09,007 --> 00:25:10,884
And he's only a monster
when he does coke.

509
00:25:10,967 --> 00:25:12,761
Wow. Hmm. Well, that's--

510
00:25:12,844 --> 00:25:16,097
anyway, I guess I should be in less
of a hurry to figure everything out

511
00:25:16,181 --> 00:25:18,266
and just take each boner as it comes.

512
00:25:18,350 --> 00:25:19,976
[laughs] You're precious.

513
00:25:20,060 --> 00:25:23,104
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go watch "PB:NYC,"

514
00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:26,858
which looks... super gay.

515
00:25:26,942 --> 00:25:28,235
Bye-ee!

516
00:25:28,318 --> 00:25:29,569
[music playing]

517
00:25:29,653 --> 00:25:32,489
What in the what?
Where do we go now, Paul Bunyan?

518
00:25:32,572 --> 00:25:35,158
We're going to the Brambles
in Central Park.

519
00:25:35,242 --> 00:25:36,409
-[yelps]
-[audience gasps]

520
00:25:36,493 --> 00:25:38,954
Wait, what? Please tell me
there's a Walgreens

521
00:25:39,037 --> 00:25:41,122
in the gay part of Central Park.

522
00:25:41,206 --> 00:25:45,126
I really need a DVD of "Van Helsing"
and a six-foot-long receipt.

523
00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:46,044
[yelps]

524
00:25:46,127 --> 00:25:48,088
["Be Gay" playing]

525
00:25:49,881 --> 00:25:50,715
-Agh!
-[music stops]

526
00:25:50,799 --> 00:25:53,802
Please tell me they put a Walgreens
in this Netflix.

527
00:25:53,885 --> 00:25:56,221
What are you guys gonna watch next?
Do you wanna hang out?

528
00:25:56,304 --> 00:25:58,473
You guys gonna watch another episode?

529
00:25:58,556 --> 00:26:01,476
["I Am Gay" playing]
NOTE: This is a transcription of the spoken dialogue and audio, with time-code reference, provided without cost for your entertainment, convenience, and study.  This version may not be exactly as written in the original script; however, the intellectual property is still reserved by the original source and may be subject to copyright.

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Big Mouth stars Nick Kroll; John Mulaney; Jessi Klein; Jason Mantzoukas; Jenny Slate; Fred Armisen; Jordan Peele; Maya Rudolph; Andrew Rannells; Joe Wengert; Kat Dennings; Jessica Chaffin; Paula Pell; Neil Casey; Richard Kind; Seth Morris; June Diane Raphael; David Thewlis; Jon Daly; Nathan Fillion; Chelsea Peretti; Kristen Bell, and more!

About the Author

I used to be the guy who did that thing on the show you never heard of. Now I'm Head Nincompoop here, writing about binge-watching.

Website: https://8flix.com

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